I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
