all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize