No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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