We named our party play list daddy issues
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
