I want to have your abortion
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
