That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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