So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
