I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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