A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
