im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
