I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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