quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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