The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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