$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
pray to the hookup gods
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
