...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
