Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
