new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
