My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
