Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
