I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Someone shattered a urinal.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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