My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
