I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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