Betty ford says i'm here all night
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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