she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
