OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
