I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
