Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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