I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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