Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
