4 words: hood of his car
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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