...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
