You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
