I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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