I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
