11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
