Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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