Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
