I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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