yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
