we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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