p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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