I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
