So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
