He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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