made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
