remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
