my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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