Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
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