All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
