rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize