her vagine was all disorganized.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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