Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
honey bunches of taint.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize