We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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