If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize