I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
