I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
