my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
