Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
