I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
