EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
you made out with another girl for some wings
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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